


The Molecules and Particles of Jillian Holtzmann: A Laboratory Study

by starcase



Category: Ghostbusters (2016)
Genre: Angst, Character Study, Comfort, Eventual Happy Ending, F/F, Hurt, Sadness, mostly jillian's POV
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-10-08
Updated: 2016-10-10
Packaged: 2018-08-20 04:57:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,124
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8236858
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/starcase/pseuds/starcase
Summary: Jillian Holtzmann sees the world in a kaleidoscope of colours. Tears of sorrow are often masked with waves of joy; waves of joy with a face as stiff as stone- stone cracked with awkward humour. Raw science and fact are the only thing she can bring herself to love. She has always had trouble expressing how she feels, leaving her alone more than she would like to admit. With Erin Gilbert it isn't much different, but she wants it to be.





	1. Purpose

**Author's Note:**

> Hi, hello! This is my first Ghostbusters fic. I am not completely confident with the way I have characterized everyone, so please give me feedback and criticism in every way possible. You can find me at protonpacks.tumblr.com, and I would love to meet some of you! Also, please note that I will be attempting to finish this fic within these next two weeks. :) OH, and this was not beta'd, at all. Any mistakes are mine.

The sky on a clear day is blue because the molecules in the air scatter blue light from the sun more than they scatter red light. Blue is scattered more than any other colours because it travels as shorter, smaller waves. During a sunset, the sun gets lower in the sky; its light is passing through more of the atmosphere to reach the eye. Even more of the blue light is scattered, allowing the reds and yellows to pass straight through to your eyes. Did you know that? 

Jillian Holtzmann does. She knows that the autumn toned sky above her is not anything poetic. It is not art, and it is not music. It is science. Jillian Holtzmann knows science. She also knows that every time she brings another girl to an orgasm, the pleasure hormone oxytocin is released from their brain and invades every sense in their body. As soon as they are down from their hormone high, they kick her out. Sometimes nicely— most times not. This is normal for Jillian, and somehow it hurts when it happens. This is something Jillian cannot explain. As much as this bothers her, she knows it will never change. It will never fix itself. She will never be able to solve the equation of why she cannot be loved. So she doesn’t try. She digs a grave, buries her thoughts and feelings as deep as they can possibly go and dedicates herself to the one thing that doesn’t have to love her back: science. 

//

Jillian Holtzmann is offered a job working for CERN while she is taking up residence in Manhattan with her mentor Rebecca Gorin. She is hesitant at first, thinking about leaving Rebecca in her house alone. She leaves the letter containing the job offer on the kitchen table, and takes off to find another girl at the bar to occupy her mind of her harsh reality. It doesn’t work, and she leaves before the girl can kick her out. The letter is not on the table when Jillian returns to Doctor Gorin’s house. She passes Rebecca’s room before hearing her clear her throat sternly, an action she has become accustomed to over the years of discipline for her constant reckless behaviour. 

“I’ve packed your bags, Jillian. You leave tomorrow.” 

//

Jillian leaves in an array of red-toned sunrise colours in the sky without saying goodbye. She cannot explain why, so she doesn’t. She moves into a small apartment in Geneva, Switzerland, and begins working for CERN the following week. David is the first co-worker who laughs along with her ridiculous humour, laughing so hard at her jokes tears flow down his cheekbones and along his jaw. Jillian respects him, treats him with the same level of respect he gives her. She dances in front of him, the beat of a late eighties tune flowing through the lab. 

“Jillian Holtzmann, you are something to be marvelled,” David would say, just before joining in with awkward, jerky dance moves.  
She considers him to be her favourite colleague. But there is something Jillian Holtzmann will never be able to conquer- her recklessness. The explosion happens when she is not in the lab. She hears it as she is walking down the hall, yellow-tinted safety goggles dangling off of one ear, two sandwiches stacked in her hand, one for her and one for David. 

//

CERN pulls her into the office an hour later. They fire her on the spot, and tell her David’s fate is left to the unknown. She doesn’t believe in fate. She believes in science. They give her his location. She doesn’t know what to say, so she pushes her goggles up the bridge of her nose before nodding, and walks to the nearest exist. The smell of nuclear chemical and burnt hair still hovers in the air, filling her nostrils and stinging her eyes. Burning hair smells so bad to the human nose because the keratin in hair contains large amounts of cysteine, a sulfur-containing amino acid. When a whole human body burns, all the iron-rich blood still inside can give the smell a coppery, metallic component. Full bodies also include internal organs, which rarely burn completely because of their high fluid content; they smell like burnt liver. Cerebrospinal fluid burns up in a musky, sweet perfume. Did you know that? Jillian Holtzmann does. She knows because she smells the decay that is David, and nothing else. She doesn’t leave her apartment for the next three days. The only foods she eats are Hot pockets and packages of multi-flavoured Ramen. 

//

On the fourth day she pulls out her laptop and retrieves the address of the Hospital David resides in. It takes her half an hour to get there by train, and she almost can’t bring herself to get off at her stop- but she does. She can’t explain why, so she doesn’t. She finds his room with relative ease, avoiding eye contact with every person she brushes by. The hospital is too bright, and she forgot her goggles. David looks dead. Jillian thinks he might as well be. His flesh is bright red, half of his face stripped of its skin and baring raw muscle. She stares for far too long, his image burning into her brain. 

“I’m sorry.” She whispers softly, turning away from his bedside. She feels the air pressing down on her chest and suffocating her, turning her mouth dry and making her eyes water. She flirts with his nurse, gives the blushing attendee her number. She can’t explain why, so she doesn’t. She leaves immediately, and swears she can still smell David’s burning hair, his decaying flesh. She packs her bags and buys a plane ticket the next day. Breathing doesn’t become easier in the sky, and she begins to lose all hope.

//

She moves into her own apartment once she arrives in Manhattan. She knows looking at Rebecca would cause her to feel nothing but shame and guilt, and she could not bare it. She scours endlessly on a local website that posted job listings before finding one that took to her interest: Paranormal Research at the Kenneth P. Higgins Institute of Science. She emails her resume to one Doctor Abby Yates and she receives a reply within ten minutes. 

“Dear Dr. Jillian Holtzmann, 

Greetings! Thank you for taking interest in the position listed online. I would like to invite you to an interview tomorrow (Friday) at the Kenneth P. Higgins Institute of Science. My department laboratory in is the basement. In big red letters the word “STUPID” is painted in red. It’s hard to miss; I’m working on removing it. Come on down tomorrow at noon! I can’t wait to meet you! 

Sincerely, Dr. Abby Yates”

//

Jillian squints her eyes behind her yellow-tinted goggles at the building in front of her. She isn’t positive on how she feels about the structure, how it looks slightly out of place on the urban street. Her unruly blonde hair is neatly pinned into a bun that sits on the back of her head, a mass of it spilling from the side, framing her face. She is dressed in a striped black and white top under paint-splattered overalls, a leather jacket covers her shoulders. She blows a puff of air from her lips before entering the institute and heading to the basement. She identifies the laboratory with ease as she normally would, noticing the door donning the red letters Abby had mentioned in her email. It was slightly scrubbed down and faded, making Jillian smile. She could whip something off to remove that in two minutes. She runs a hand through her hair and raps her leather glove covered knuckles along the door: knock, knock, knock. It takes less than two seconds for a voice to be heard from the other side. 

“Benny, I swear to God! You’re an hour late again! I’m starving here, mister!” The door opens and a small woman with thick black glasses set on her upturned nose stands behind it. She has kind eyes, and a bun that sits on the top of her head. Jillian decides that she adores her right away. She can’t explain why, so she doesn’t. 

“Oh! I’m so sorry; you must be Doctor Jillian Holtzmann! I’m so happy you actually showed up!” She exclaims, excitement lacing her friendly tone.

Jillian waits a beat before speaking: “The known universe is made up of fifty-million galaxies. There are between one-hundred million and one-billion stars in a normal galaxy. In the Milky Way alone there might be as many one-hundred billion Earth-like planets. Do you think that we are alone?” 

Abby hires her on the spot, and Jillian decides they are to be friends right away. 

//

Abby Yates is Jillian’s best friend. She tries to wear Jillian’s goggles when Jillian leaves them lying around and complains that everything is much too bright when they cover her eyes. Jillian decides she likes it when Abby doesn’t wear them, doesn’t cover her hopeful eyes from the world. It takes a few months, a few Chinese food deliveries and a few episodes of “Bill Nye the Science Guy” before Jillian opens up to Abby. She tells her about CERN, about her life living under the scrutiny of Rebecca Gorin. Abby listens with vigour, and even tears up hearing about David. 

“They said he moved a finger yesterday,” Jillian admits, and a sad smile graces her lips. 

“He’ll come around, Jill. And you’ll be the first person he asks to see.” Abby puts a reassuring hand on Jillian’s shoulder, and Jillian savours the contact. 

It’s that night Jillian learns about Erin Gilbert. She is immediately taken with the idea of her. Anyone who was once best friends with Abby Yates must be special, now matter how poorly they screwed up. Jillian listens with wide eyes while chewing Chow Maine and makes exaggerated gasping noises when Abby is least expecting it, in hopes of making her giggle. It works every time. She learns that Abby hasn’t heard from Erin in years after being left to the scrutiny of paranormal disbelievers on national television. It is painfully obvious that no matter how passive Abby acts; she yearns for Erin Gilbert’s companionship. She leaves the laboratory that night with a heavy heart for her friend, thinks about David and his hospital room and goes straight to the nearest bar. She doesn’t return to her own apartment, but is kicked out before she can fall asleep. She can’t explain why, so she doesn’t. 

//

Erin Gilbert shows up four months later. Not a hair out of place, all Tweed, tiny bow ties and a stick so far up her anal cavity it must be touching her organs. Jillian is automatically smitten with the physics professor. She hears Abby and the woman bicker back and forth, feeling her palms sweating with the anticipation of Abby regaining the friendship she once lost. She feels a slight pang of jealousy as sparks fly through the room, the tension of a broken friendship weighing down on her chest as it once did in David’s hospital room, as it did when she thought of facing her mentor. She takes a deep breath, grabs a blowtorch and lights it up. 

“You come here often?” She says loudly, throwing her boot covered feet onto the workbench in front of her.  
The stiff woman jumps slightly, making Jillian smirk. She wonders if Erin were ticklish, and hypothesizes that she most definitely is. Erin Gilbert would be an excellent lover. Jillian immediately imagines what it would be like to be kicked out of her bed after feeling her oxytocin release onto her fingers. She can't explain why, so she doesn't. 

One thing Jillian does not want to observe was the odd feeling of warmth that spreads throughout her chest as Erin Gilbert opens her beautiful mouth to speak to her for the first time. No, she does not want to observe this at all. For the first time in a long time, Jillian Holtzmann can explain why. She knows why her heart rate picks up as the sound waves of Erin's questioning voice travel through her inner ear, knows why she momentarily is lost in Erin's sad blue eyes. She begins to dig a grave inside of her own mind, the feelings for Erin Gilbert's name written on the imaginary headstone: Love.


	2. Hypothesis

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey again, guys! I'd like to thank all of you for the feedback I received last chapter. I can't believe how nice you guys are! I'm hoping my characterization stays correct through the chapter you are about to read. Please let me know. I'm a major, major fan of Toltzmann in every form and I wanted to thoroughly explore their friendship in this story. Kudos are always appreciated!

Sphenopalatine ganglioneuralgia is the scientific term for when the brain freezes. Whenever you try to remember something, your brain calls on your memory network — the hippocampus and other parts of your brain — work together to access encoded memories. Did you know that? 

Jillian Holtzmann certainly does. As a matter of fact, this is the only thing that is running through her mind as one of the most beautiful women in the entire world stands in front of her. Erin Gilbert has just asked Jillian who she was, stumbles over her words with little finesse. Jillian cannot think of anything besides touching the woman, so she gets up and takes off a glove. 

“Holtzmann,” she says, shaking the red heads hand. It’s soft, and she’s unable to move the muscles in her mouth in order to make herself stop smiling like a giddy child. 

“Erin,” The red head says in reply, her eyes travelling along Jillian’s ridiculous oversized trench coat. 

“I’ve heard terrible things about you.” 

Jillian cannot explain why the way Erin looks at her with a certain wary eye makes her ears burn. She cannot explain why the blush on Erin’s cheeks spread along her face or the urgency to run her fingers along it’s trail and she cannot explain why everything in that moment felt like cracking an egg, breaking a shell to find something brand new and oh so delicious. She cannot explain why, so she doesn’t.

//

The three of them all huddle into a cab when Erin tells them about the Aldridge Mansion. Jillian and Abby both try to ignore the fact that Erin is only going in hopes Abby will truly take down their book from Amazon. Jillian knows Abby will never do anything of the sort. Jillian tries not to think too hard when Erin’s hand continuously brushes the hem of her leather jacket or the way she looks out the window, her blue eyes searching for something she cannot seem to find. Jillian wants to desperately to run her digits through Erin’s hair, wrap it around her finger. Instead she inhales as much taxi air as possible and begins to speak: 

“Hey, hey, Erin.” 

Erin makes a small noise of confusion, her eyes flickering to Jillian’s direction. Jillian gives her a smirk and waggles her eyebrows. 

“If I were an enzyme, I'd be DNA helicase so I could unzip your genes.” 

The way Erin’s eyes widen and the colour of roses replaces white gives Jillian the most satisfaction she has ever felt—  
More than being kicked out of the many beds she’s occupied during the night. More than watching one of her machines come to life and purr like a kitten. She can’t explain why, so she doesn’t. 

//

They see a ghost. A real life, dead ghost. Jillian dances outside of the mansion in order to celebrate, all awkward jerky limbs flying in different directions. Erin is covered head-to-toe in ghost vomit, ectoplasm seeping through her tweed and dripping onto the sidewalk below. Jillian watches her celebrate, watches her up-tight persona come undone in front of her camera. She smiles; this Erin makes her heart feel lighter. She watches the videotape over and over before uploading it to YouTube; writing “NAUGHTY BEAN” in the description. She hopes Erin will watch it and smile, hopes her words make her laugh, hopes she will come back to the lab to see her. No, not to see her— to see Abby. 

Abby pops her chin onto Jillian’s shoulder and squints at the computer screen glowing in front of Jillian. She smiles lightly and chuckles, knows how angry this will make Erin. 

“Hey, Holtzy?” Abby asks softly, keeping her eyes on the screen in front of them. 

“What’s up, baby cakes?” Holtz asks, pushing her goggles so that they sit on her forehead. 

Abby shakes her head. “Never mind,” and with a pat on Jillian’s shoulder she’s gone, disappeared behind the orange curtain, a small knowing smile painted onto her lips. 

Holtzmann shrugs her shoulders before turning on her radio and shimmies back into the reactor she’s building in front of her. She thinks of Erin Gilbert too many times and burns the tips of three of her fingers. She can’t explain why, so she doesn’t.

//

Jillian is stripping wires when Erin walks through the door of her and Abby’s lab the next day. Her hand slips and the inner blade of the cutter slices her hand, drawing crimson coloured blood. She blinks several times and before she can stand up, the inside of her veins is trickling down her arm, pooling at her elbow. She grimaces and meets Erin’s eyes, watches as something shifts in them and becomes alert. She rushes to Jillian’s side and presses a towel to the cut, jumps slightly when Holtzmann yelps and shakes her head. 

“There’s acid on that one,” Jillian states calmly, and a small smirk plays on her lips. 

“Jesus, Holtz! Where can I get a clean one?” Erin yells shakily.  
Jillian simply shrugs, leans back to get a better look at Erin and ignores the blood drying on her skin. Erin opens her mouth to protest but upon seeing Jillian’s casual look, shifts under her gaze, eyes dropping to the floor. 

“Are you made of Copper and Tellurium? Because you are Cu-Te.” Jillian emphasizes her syllables in the word cute and winks at Erin when hers eyes travel back to meet Jillian’s. 

“This isn’t a time for cheesy pick-up lines, Holtzmann. I thought you were hurt.” Erin replies softly. 

It takes all of two seconds for Jillian’s flirty nature to disappear. She straightens her back in the chair she’s sitting in, glances quickly at her bloodied arm. 

“Well technically, you aren’t wrong. I am hurt.” She reasons, holding her arm up. 

She doesn’t bring herself to object when Erin huffs and walks away from her. Erin tells the both of them she’s been fired from her job at Columbia. Holtz feels guilty, her face a frown the entire time Erin speaks. Saviours the pain that runs through her arm and only speaks once. Abby brings up the plan of seriously fighting the paranormal and coming together as a team. They all seem to agree until they’re kicked out of the headmaster’s office. Jillian doesn’t care too much; she’s only met the guy twice. They all leave the Kenneth P. Higgins institute together. Jillian knows she should apologize to Erin, knows she doesn’t deserve to be Erin’s friend. But she keeps her mouth shut. She can’t explain why, so she doesn’t. 

//

It’s less than a week later when they move into the Chinese Food Restaurant. Abby yells at Benny, Erin unpacks her materials and stays silent. She glances up at Jillian five times in three minutes- not that Jillian is counting. Jillian, in that moment, decides that Erin Gilbert is to be wooed. She is to court Erin like a proper gentleman, make up for the blood incident and the whole getting fired fiasco. 

It isn’t two minutes later Jillian turns the radio on, Devo blasting from the speakers. Or at least, she’s pretty sure it’s Devo. She knows the words, so she dances for Erin. She dances for Erin and can tell she’s becoming flustered, so she grabs a blowtorch. She doesn’t notice when she lights up a paper towel, at least not right away. She extinguishes it for Erin’s peace of mind, never straying from the beat of the song. She tries not to let David linger on her mind, dances to disappear under the table. Abby waltzes in a moment later laughing and breaking Erin’s concentration. Jillian curses under the breath before she attempts to join in their conversation. Turns out it wasn’t Devo after all. 

//

Jillian doesn’t get jealous. She has never allowed herself to become attach to another woman easily enough to become an envious shade of green. Until one Kevin Beckman walks through the door, all bone structure and body muscle. She immediately takes notice of Erin’s reaction, and scowls slightly. 

“Is this a big ole robot?” Jillian quips, looks over her yellow goggles to get a better look at the man. She doesn’t blame Erin— who could? Even a woman who prefers women knows this man is one to pine after. She doesn’t let a single reaction from Erin go unnoticed, but apparently, Erin does not notice her. Her blood boils slightly and she takes out her wire stripper until Abby pulls her in to interview the Big Ken doll. 

//

“I worked in Geneva, you know,” Jillian begins, looking at Erin and Abby and sneaks a side glance at Kevin as he taps the aquarium absently, “and that’s where Frankstein takes place. I’m positive this guy was built in that very lab. He’s the Monster.” She exaggerates the last part by throwing her arms out straight in front of her, making groaning noises that she thought would mirror a monster.

They just finished interviewing Kevin. He's sweet, but incredibly dumb. Jillian pictures him as a gold retriever puppy, his golden fur shiny and his tongue hanging out of his mouth. The thought makes her smile as she rests her chin in her palm. Abby rolls her eyes at Jillian's remark and Erin laughs a full, belly laugh. It’s the most incredible thing she thinks she’s ever heard. They hire Kevin on the stop. Jillian can’t explain why, so she doesn’t. 

//

Patty Tolan then walks through the door of the Chinese food restaurant, and Jillian likes her right away. She is all smiles and knowledge, and Jillian wonders what it would be like to take apart her brain. 

"Oh and uh, I got chases by a Ghost. Shit was whack so I thought you ladies could help me." 

Jillian is momentarily put off of her own thoughts at Patty's confession. All three of them freeze, a crackle of excitement hanging in the air. Jillian's fingers tingle at the thought of testing her equipment, so she stands and gives Patty the biggest hug her tiny body can. Patty is momentarily taken aback, looking toward Erin and Abby with an expression that could only be read as "what the fuck, help me". She doesn't notice the pained, jealous expression on Erin's face. But Abby does. Abby's face breaks into a smile instead, shrugging. 

"Uh... why is there a tiny thing with electrocuted hair hanging off of my body? You cute and all baby, but you smell like motor oil." 

Jillian smiles and hugs her tighter instead. She can't explain why, so she doesn't. 

//

They're all in the Subway, miles under New York City when Jillian notices the way Erin is staring at her. It's a look of confusion, and longing. Jillian crack a smile and winks at her, tries to rile her up in every way possible. Jillian creeps up to her, placing her lips centimetres next to her ear and whispers: "If I were a neurotransmitter, I would be dopamine so I could activate your reward pathway." Erin's body stiffens quickly, her eyes wide and lips pursing. Jillian laughs maniacally and jumps away from Erin's rigid body, pulling the cart of untested equipment closer to her body.

Patty looks at Abby, squinting her eyes slightly. "Are they dating?" She asks, head tilting to the side at Erin's fire engine red face. All Abby can simply do is nod her head in response before she scrunches her nose and shrugs she shoulders. Abby can't explain why, so she doesn't. She turns to the Ghost graffiti on the wall and smiles. Everything begins to fit in slots, feel like home. Then they witness another Ghost, and they all begin to know, this is home. 

// 

Jillian uses humour to cover her terrified she is. She nearly saw Erin die, and decides to tell her it was awesome. In the moment, she means it. Then thinks of David, and regrets her entire existence in a second later. She grabs ahold of Erin's hand in the cab and offers her a smile, hoping that Erin will return it. She does, and tightens the grip on Jillian's fingers, lacing them within her own. Jillian gets back into the lab and delves right into her equipment, falling out of love with the things that can't love her back, and starts to fall in love with a redhead who quite possibly can.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Come talk to me, I'd love to hear from you at my Tumblr: http://protonpacks.tumblr.com/


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